Originally domesticated thousands of years ago in South America, potatoes have become a staple to the average American’s breakfast. But one question remains. What is the best way to serve a potato? A controversial topic, yet there is undoubtedly a correct answer. Let us dive into the wonders of starch, and find the best, and worst, ways to serve potatoes.

Number 20, Potato Salad. Whoever invented Potato Salad obviously had no taste buds. Mayo is ok, but definitely not in that magnitude. The cold, hard potatoes along with the slightly viscous dressing creates a texture nightmare. I look down on potato salad the same way Gordon Ramsey looks down on his chefs.

Number 19, Sweet Potato Fries. Sweet Potatoes suck. I won’t sugar coat it; they aren’t as good as regular golden potatoes. They are never sweet, like their name would suggest. I don’t have very much to say about sweet potato fries, but they just aren’t good.

Number 18, Potato Pancakes. They’re like the bad Hash Browns and are never seasoned correctly. The starch in the potatoes is washed out, and apparently so is the taste. Potato Pancakes are so bland, and frankly overrated.

Number 17, Hash Browns. Like Potato Pancakes, Hash Browns can sometimes be bland, unseasoned, and disappointing. Unlike Potato Pancakes, it is not all of the time. Bland and poorly made Hash Browns have ruined my perspective of them as a whole.

Number 16, Regular French Fries. The classic French fries. You can’t go wrong with these.

Number 15, Air Fried Potato Wedges. Slightly better than the original, yet sometimes unseasoned. They can sometimes be greasy, and sometimes too burnt, but not often enough to affect their rank.

Number 14, Tater Tots. The staple of a hearty American breakfast. With some ketchup and salt, these little fried potatoes can turn something bland and boring into something spectacular.

Number 13, Curly Fries. Like the classic French fries, but twirly. They taste very similar, but for some reason the experience is much better when the fry is curled in on itself.

Number 12, Potato Chips. Another staple in the American dream. We are starting to leave the breakfast category of potatoes; do you see a theme here?

Number 11, Scalloped Potatoes. The only reason scalloped potatoes aren’t higher on this list is because sometimes the potatoes are cooked at too high of a temperature for not long enough and the potato slices themselves are crunchy.

Number 10, Au Gratin Potatoes. A somewhat unpopular potato, but a good one, nonetheless. They are the same thing as scalloped potatoes except they include cheese inside them. The same thing downsides as scalloped potatoes, sometimes the potatoes are too crunchy.

Number 9, Home Fries. The staple of a hearty American breakfast. If you go to any breakfast restaurant in New England and you don’t see home fries on the menu, run, you have entered an imposter restaurant.

Number 8, Waffle Fries. A very popular French fry, yet, not served nearly often enough. Best served by itself. Somehow, like curly fries, the shape of the potato makes it taste gourmet.

Number 7, Spicy Fries. Everything good about a French fry, but with a spicy kick. Perfect with eggs, meat, toast with cheese and ketchup or franks red hot. Makes a beautiful breakfast sandwich perfect for any day.

Number 6, Mashed Potato. The signature, the classic potato dish for a picky child, which is probably one of the reasons I love it so much, the mashed potatoes. They are creamy, and oh so delicious, but probably not something I could eat as a full meal.

Number 5, Baked Potatoes. Unlike mashed potatoes, this is something I think I could eat as a full meal. The only thing I think could make this meal better is bacon. Yes, some iterations of the baked potato include bacon bits on the top, but I would prefer many more.

Number 4, Smiley Fries. If you have ever attended a school, you will see the appeal of such a happy French fry, even though it has very morbid undertones when you begin to eat it. Especially if you eat them with ketchup.

Number 3, Steak Fries. Hear me out right now, think of the deliciousness of a regular French fry, but more potato. If you have ever eaten at a burger joint, you should know the appeal of steak fries. Extra points if it has an extra little kick.

Number 2, Loaded Potato Skins. Potato Skins, one of the holy grails of potato consumption. Soft and fluffy potatoes, flavorful skins, non-greasy cheesiness, topped with crispy bacon bits and scallions. 

Before we get to number one, let’s go over some Honorable Mentions.

Spicy Home Fries, my personal number one breakfast potato. A nice, crispy, spicy potato home fry, and a versatile side dish. You can put it in a sandwich with eggs and bacon, or you can eat it with a variety of condiments available at any restaurant, including but not limited to ketchup. The only reason this is not number one is because it’s so simple.

Poutine, my personal number one lunch potato. It contrasts the classic French fry, a creamy cheese, and an assortment of extra toppings to your preference. The only reason this is not number one is because, sometimes the cheese can make the French fries, for lack of a better word, soggy.

Duchess Potatoes, my personal number one dinner potato. It takes the simplicity of a mashed potato or potato au gratin, presents in a beautiful and delicate dollop on your plate, and adds some extra pizazz with onion and garlic powder. The only reason this is not number one is because it is very difficult to thicken enough to put through a piping bag and be able to present in a dollop instead of a flattened mush.

Number 1, the heavenly medium, the god of potatoes, many words to describe the heaven that is loaded bacon potato bombs. A loaded potato with cheese and butter, cut in two and sewed together with bacon and wrapped in tin foil, baked and ready to eat at your convenience. They are the staple to any holiday, breakfast, lunch, and dinner, any season, for any year. Instead of bacon bits like the loaded potato skins, there is an entire piece, or more, of pure crispy bacon. If you serve these at your next house party, you will gain the trust and satisfaction of all of your guests.